


My Boyfriend, Kyle

by idareu2bme



Category: Genghis Khan - Miike Snow (Music Video)
Genre: ...more like enemies to dumbass enemies, Canon Compliant, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Pre-Canon, Pre-Slash, Puns & Word Play, Ridiculous, Sharing a Bed, UST, deteriorating marriage, lotsa dumb super villain names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21762592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idareu2bme/pseuds/idareu2bme
Summary: Gold Nose makes a deal with Secret Agent. He'll get him into the Super Villain Conference by pretending he's his new boyfriend IF Secret Agent uses the opportunity to take out Gold Nose's competition.  Gold Nose realizes he's attracted to his nemesis and it's kind of a bum deal to have to pretend to be in a relationship with one's enemy.
Relationships: Gold Nose Villain/Secret Agent (Genghis Khan - Miike Snow)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 67
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	My Boyfriend, Kyle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunsetmog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetmog/gifts).



> Warning: While there's technically no sexual infidelity, this entire fic is infidelity-flavoured.

Bleary-eyed and tiredly leaning against the kitchen counter, Gold Nose lifted his mug of freshly made coffee and took a deep inhale. His eyes fell closed while he spent a moment just luxuriating in the aroma. Distantly, he heard the metallic clink of someone closing the American-style mailbox in front of his house.

“That’ll be the post,” said his wife from the other room, talking aloud to herself. “Can you grab the mail, Hun?” she called out a second later in a louder voice obviously not knowing that he could hear her just fine before.

Gold Nose twitched in irritation, the corners of his tired smile falling into a frown. He set down his mug, but thought better of it and picked it up again. Then, he trudged out the front door to the mailbox in his bathrobe and slippers. Sven and Oscar from two doors down happened to be walking their two little dogs past as he walked up to the mailbox. He narrowed his eyes and quickly turned his back to them before they called out a greeting.

He set his mug on top of the mailbox so he could have both hands free to pull the mail out. Flyers, local newspaper, a few bills, and… Gold Nose paused when he saw the familiar emblem printed in metallic silver on a small envelope. He stared at it for a long beat before hastily shoving all the mail under his arm, picking up his coffee mug, and hurrying back inside.

He set the rest of the mail down on the kitchen counter before heading down the hall to his cramped, little home office, eyes still glued to the envelope in his hand. He kicked the door shut behind him before sitting down at his desk. Opening his laptop, he took a sip of his coffee while he waited for the system to wake up. Then, he set down his mug and finally started to open the envelope.

As he had guessed, it was an invitation to FANTOM’s upcoming Super Villain conference retreat. They had one every three years. The invitation was ornate in a stream-lined, professional way with a metallic silver border and curving font at the top. Gold Nose scanned the card before setting it down beside his laptop and opening a web browser.

He typed in the URL to RSVP and register that was written on the bottom of the invitation. The website opened up with information about the convention. The last convention had been at a private resort on it’s own small island near Sicily. It had been luxurious to a fault. According to the website, this year’s convention would be held in a hotel in London. And they had reserved conference rooms A through D for the events. Gold Nose scoffed. He would wrinkle his nose if he could. The drop in the economy must have also really affected FANTOM. A hotel? In London? _Conference rooms_? What was the world coming to if even the best super villains couldn’t afford resorts?

Despite that, the invite was still for himself and a plus one, as usual. The thought was to bring your spouse, but…

Gold Nose frowned at the screen. Distantly, he could hear his wife’s shrill voice from the other end of the house as she got the kids ready for school. It might be nice to go solo this year, have a little break from domestic life. Besides, it wasn’t like it was a particularly enticing destination. The wife probably wouldn’t want to go anyway. He’d still select the couples option so he could get the bigger bed, though. Gold Nose nodded to himself and took another drink of his coffee. 

“Bye Papa!” called out his kids. 

Gold Nose filled out the rest of the registration form, starting to feel the first fizzles of excitement at the idea of having an entire three day weekend to himself.

“Oh, uh, good-bye,” he called when it finally registered to him that his kids were leaving for school. His wife usually walked them as it was only two blocks away. 

He finished filling out the online registration form and submitted it. He checked the time, he was going to be late for work if he didn’t hurry. Gold Nose took a long pull from his coffee and then shut his laptop and got up to go get changed. 

* * *

“Good Morning, sir,” spoke Henchman, sliding into Gold Nose’s office at precisely the same time as he did every day with the morning report.

Gold Nose set down the papers he had been going over and inclined his head.

“Is it?” he asked dubiously.

Henchman smirked.

“Mostly, yes,” he said. “Your stocks are up, your real estate agent called and said the property in Southern France you had your eye on just went down in price, the science lab has completed their initial tests on their… er... _your_ latest doomsday device and are enthusiastic about the results, the request we sent in to City Electrical for a licence for additional wattage came back affirmative, aaand…”

Henchman took a few steps up to Gold Nose’s large desk while clicking and swiping his fingertip across the screen of his tablet. Gold Nose sat up in his high back chair and leaned forward when Henchman turned the tablet to him.

“...this video of Doctor Death from yesterday went viral overnight.”

Gold Nose watched the video of Doctor Death (he knew him as Ted), proudly motioning toward a rocket that some of his people were finishing setting up. Doctor Death then pulled out a remote. The video had no sound but he was obviously speaking to the camera about the rocket. Then, he pushed the button and the rocket blew backward, hit the back wall and flew forward at an angle so that it was coming right at him. He had to leap out of the way and in doing so managed to trip over some of his equipment, fall on his face, skid a few feet, and split his trousers. Gold Nose’s mouth twitched in amusement.

“You call this good?” he growled after watching the video twice. “This is terrible. How will this look for the super-villain community as a whole? It’s bad enough we’re depicted so often as inept in television, now we have this video to prove it? Awful. And poor, dear Ted must be having a horrible time of it. He’s been working on that rocket for months.”

“Yes,” said Henchman, his face still twisted in a happy smirk. “I have word that FANTOM is revoking his super villain status.”

“Awful. Devastating,” said Gold Nose shaking his head in exaggerated pity. “Be sure to send him flowers. So sad to have to say good-bye to one of our own.”

Henchman’s smirk grew. Gold Nose dropped the facade and grinned right back at him.

“Look,” said Henchman, swiping to another video. “People are making humourous edits of the video. This one repeats his fall in slow motion. This one has comedic music added overtop. They call it a... meme.”

“I know what a meme is!” exclaimed Gold Nose even though he didn't. He pulled the tablet away from Henchman so he could pick which video to watch for himself.

He watched three or four different video edits of Doctor Death’s blunder, cackling to himself at each one. Henchman stood quietly. Eventually, Gold Nose handed the tablet back to him when he got bored of the videos.

“So, this means you really only have Cobra for competition in becoming the new head of FANTOM,” said Henchman as he accepted the tablet.

“ _Cobra_ ,” growled Gold Nose, the smile dropping from his face. “He’s the _worst_.”

“Did you receive your invitation to FANTOM’s upcoming convention?” asked Henchman, probably trying to curb Gold Nose before he went into a full-out rant about Cobra and his associates, Boa and Python. Gold Nose narrowed his eyes at him. He didn’t like being curbed.

“Yes, just this morning,” he said.

“Would you like me to register you?” asked Henchman. 

“That won’t be necessary,” said Gold Nose, lifting his chin. “I’ve already done it, myself.”

“Very good, sir,” said Henchman. “So, what would you like me to tell your real estate agent?”

_Stupid Cobra, dealing in poisons like some sort of sneaky coward. And that Boa, such a jerk. Perhaps Cobra always gets his man, but it’s only because he poisons everyone in the vicinity without care. He doesn’t have half the creativity or..._

“Real estate agent?” asked Gold Nose, finally realizing what Henchman had said.

“That rural property in Southern France with the large warehouse?” 

“Right, right,” said Gold Nose. “The seller dropped the price on it again?”

“Yes.”

“Tell my agent to make them an offer.”

“I will call her now,” said Henchman. “Was there anything you needed before I go?”

“No,” said Gold Nose. “But keep your eye out for a way that we can undermine Cobra. He needs to be taken out of the running. He doesn’t deserve to be named head of FANTOM. He hasn’t even been in the business very long. I’m the one who's been here for years. I’m the one with the guts, and the power, and the brains, and--”

“Of course, sir,” said Henchman, effectively cutting him off, again.

Gold Nose let his mouth fall shut with a click. He glared at Henchman. Henchman stared back at him with a benign expression for a few seconds. Then, he nodded his head in something almost like a little bow before turning on his heel and leaving Gold Nose’s office. 

“Cobra,” growled Gold Nose to himself.

* * *

The two months leading to FANTOM’s Super Villain conference flew by in evil schemes, car chases, small explosions, school plays, paperwork, and a lot of research into Cobra. Suddenly, it was the day of the conference and Gold Nose was frustrated to note that he and Henchman never did find a way to undermine Cobra, and, even more frustratingly, Cobra’s popularity among the rest of the members of FANTOM seemed to have only grown. 

Gold Nose tried to put it behind him as he packed his suitcase and later when he went outside to meet the taxi as it pulled up in front of his house. On the flight to London, he mentally told himself not to worry, the members of FANTOM were intelligent enough to know who was the best candidate (him) and would vote accordingly. As he walked through the London airport, suitcase in hand, he reasoned with himself that though Cobra’s popularity had been increasing, he, Gold Nose, was well-known and respected among his peers. As he waited outside for his ride to show up (it was late!), he told himself to just enjoy the weekend away from home. 

* * *

  
  


There was already a line of posh vehicles with tinted windows outside the hotel when Gold Nose arrived. His driver had to take them around the block twice before there was room enough in the hotel’s loading lane to get off the busy city street. When they finally stopped out front, Gold Nose stepped out of the car in his best, shiniest shoes, and popped the wide collar of his long, wool peacoat. He slid on his sunglasses and tried to affect a regal pose while the driver quickly grabbed his luggage from the trunk of the car.

In all the hubbub of the busy hotel, it seemed there was no bellhop available to take his luggage from the driver. Gold Nose waited a few moments, still trying to look cool and important, but still no one came to collect his things. Finally, the driver, who wasn’t actually his _personal_ driver and who had another client to pick up across town, handed the luggage to Gold Nose and left. 

Muttering in embarrassed irritation, Gold Nose hefted up the suitcase and trudged into the hotel. 

If the outside of the hotel was busy, the inside was a madhouse. Apparently, _all_ of the FANTOM members had deemed to arrive at the _same time_. Gold Nose quietly skulked past a few villains he knew, not wanting to be stuck in small talk so early in the convention. All three receptionists at the lobby’s desk had lines in front of them. Gold Nose grumbled quietly to himself and tried to determine which would be the fastest line.

“...must be some mistake,” came a familiar voice across the sea of voices and hubbub. 

Gold Nose perked. 

Up at the counter stood a tall, athletic figure of a man dressed in a black suit and a charcoal trilby. His back was to Gold Nose, but there was something in his stance that was deeply familiar. 

Could it be?

“I’m sorry sir, but we have no one registered under that name,” said the receptionist who actually _did_ look sorry.

It _must_ be.

Who else but _Secret Agent_ could show up _uninvited_ for an event and have the staff actually _sorry_ he couldn’t stay? The man had too much charisma for his own good. 

Gold Nose narrowed his eyes and took a few steps closer. The man turned his head slightly and rubbed at the back of his neck in a rare show of nerves. It gave Gold Nose enough of a view of the side of his face to confirm his suspicions. It was definitely Secret Agent. He was attempting to attend FANTOM’s Super Villain conference under cover? Purposely entering the hornet’s nest when he was one of the most infamous of all the CIA’s spies? Ballsy.

Tempted as he was to just stand by and watch Secret Agent fumble (how novel!) and most likely get caught considering he was in a room of his worst enemies, Gold Nose decided to take pity on him. Besides, he might just be able to work this situation to his favour.

“Having trouble, Hunny?” asked Gold Nose adopting a doting tone. He stepped up to Secret Agent’s side and leaned into his space.

“Uh,” breathed Secret Agent, turning surprised eyes on to Gold Nose.

Recognition was quick to spark in Secret Agent’s blue eyes, but Gold Nose had caught that moment of nerves and relished it. How rare it was to see Secret Agent actually at a loss. Someone back at the CIA Headquarters must have royally screwed up leaving Secret Agent high and dry. Gold Nose grinned. 

“For some reason, my invitation isn’t working, ...uh, _dear_ ,” spoke Secret Agent seeming to catch on to the proposed ruse. 

Gold Nose put an arm around Secret Agent’s waist and pressed further into his side. A myriad of expressions passed across Secret Agent’s face, which probably wasn’t a good thing considering he was _supposed_ to be the CIA’s top agent. One would expect a spy to have a better poker face. Gold Nose idly wondered what had put him off his game that day even while enjoying being able to get a reaction from the man.

“Let’s just use mine, then,” said Gold Nose, smoothly pulling his invitation from inside his coat with his free hand. 

He passed it across the counter to the receptionist who was looking at him with thinly veiled disbelief. Did she think he couldn’t pull someone as handsome as Secret Agent? Gold Nose frowned at her and tightened his arm around Secret Agent’s waist. The receptionist eyed him dubiously before quickly turning to her computer. A few moments later, she was handing him two room keys before already looking past him to the next person in line.

Gold Nose grinned and took the keys before ushering Secret Agent down the hall. Only once they were alone in the elevator together did Gold Nose drop his arm from Secret Agent’s waist.

“Why’d you vouch for me?” asked Secret Agent, not seeming to care that they were still standing much closer together than necessary. “You could have outed me back there, and considering the room, I absolutely would have been done for.”

Gold Nose hummed thoughtfully and straightened his shoulders.

“I considered it,” he said. “But you could prove useful to me.”

“Useful. Wouldn’t outting me in a room of supervillains be _useful_ to you?” asked Secret Agent, tipping his head to the side and effectively making Gold Nose think of a confused puppy.

“Pfft, rash,” said Gold Nose with a minute shake of his head. “My plans are always much more subtle and complex than that.”

“Truly,” said Secret Agent thoughtfully, some of his suave spy ambiance finally returning to him. 

Gold Nose licked his lips. 

“Indeed,” he murmured.

They stared at each other for a moment before it dawned on Gold Nose that the elevator had stopped and the doors were open. Gold Nose cleared his throat and picked up his suitcase. 

“Here’s the deal,” he said. “You get to stay and carry out the rest of your little game of espionage, but whoever your primary mark was before, it’s now Cobra. You and your team will grab Cobra _before_ the new head of FANTOM is named. And, of course, you’ll leave _me_ alone.”

Secret Agent was silent for a moment, his face taking on a contemplative frown.

“I can make that happen,” he then said with a nod.

“Good,” said Gold Nose before stepping out of the elevator.

He held out the second room key to Secret Agent, but before the spy could take it, Gold Nose snatched it back.

“One more thing,” he said, secretly enjoying the annoyed look that passed over Secret Agent’s face in response. 

“What’s that?” asked Secret Agent.

“Now that I've vouched for you, my reputation is on the line,” said Gold Nose. “This needs to be done subtly… we can’t have all of your men bursting into the room like some sort of American cop movie.”

Secret Agent scoffed.

“What do you take me for, a novice?” 

Gold Nose lifted an eyebrow.

“You couldn’t even get past the receptionist,” he said.

Gold Nose smirked at Secret Agent’s wince. It was cute... erm, it was satisfying to so easily have the upper hand against his nemesis. Yeah. 

“Touche,” said Secret Agent. “We’ll be subtle.”

“Good,” said Gold Nose, finally handing the key card over.

They both turned and began walking down the quiet hall toward Gold Nose’s hotel room. As they walked, it suddenly dawned on Gold Nose that he had just volunteered to host an enemy spy in a hotbed of the world’s greatest, most suspicious, most cunning villains during a popularity contest he was hoping to win. _And_ he was hosting him by pretending to be in a romantic relationship with him. There would be questions, _a lot_ of questions. He’d have to dust off his acting skills. 

  
  


* * *

“What do you have against this Cobra, anyway?” asked Secret Agent as he set his suitcase on the hotel bed and began to unzip it.

Gold Nose set his own bag on the plush chair beside the window and turned back to regard Secret Agent. The man hadn’t batted an eye at there only being one bed when they had entered the room. He hadn’t ignored it either --had walked straight to it, in fact. And now he was talking to Gold Nose with an easy air like they were long-time friends. It was… nice, actually… strange, but nice.

It was then that Secret Agent paused in what he was doing and looked up at Gold Nose. Oh, right, he had asked a question.

“The new Head of FANTOM will be named this weekend,” said Gold Nose. Secret Agent nodded, likely he was there to because of the fact. “Cobra is my main competition for the honour.”

“Which is why you want him out,” said Secret Agent in understanding. 

Gold Nose nodded.

“Not very sporting,” said Secret Agent with short chuckle. “Having the enemy swoop in and take him out of the running last minute.” 

“I’m a super villain,” Gold Nose said simply with a small smirk and shrug. 

Secret Agent let out an actual laugh. Gold Nose’s eyebrow raised in surprise. 

“I just need to get set up,” said Secret Agent as he went back to going through his suitcase. “What’s first on your itinerary tonight?”

“Drinks at the Meet and Greet thing,” said Gold Nose.

“Sounds like something you’ll need your _significant other_ to attend with you,” said Secret Agent with a touch of humour. 

“Yes,” said Gold Nose, hoping his voice sounded normal even while his stomach swooped. 

“How should we play this?” asked Secret Agent, once again looking up at Gold Nose from his suitcase, giving him his full attention as if he were more important than Secret Agent’s original mission. “What is our relationship?”

“Newly dating,” said Gold Nose without too much thought. “That will be the easiest story to make believable. You’re also a brand new member of FANTOM considering you tried to get in with an invitation. We must keep our story straight from the get-go. It may seem as though no one else was paying attention, but there is no doubt others were watching. Perhaps you were new to the game and came to me for guidance, but we swiftly found we got along much better than simply as colleagues.”

“So, I’m a new villain and your new boyfriend,” summed up Secret Agent. 

Gold Nose coughed awkwardly at how easily ‘ _boyfriend_ ’ rolled off Secret Agent’s tongue, but nodded.

“Right, that should cover things,” said Gold Nose. He paused to awkwardly clear his throat. “What should I call you this weekend? Obviously, I can’t call you Secret Agent.”

“Kyle,” said Secret Agent.

“Kyle,” repeated Gold Nose in disbelief.

“Or Hunny,” he said with a wink. Gold Nose grimaced. 

“And what should I call you?” Secret Agent… _Kyle_ asked with an exaggerated bat of his eyelashes.

“Gold Nose,” deadpanned Gold Nose.

Secret Agent snorted and shook his head before turning back to the tech in his suitcase. Gold Nose decided to freshen up while he waited.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Ah, Gold Nose, long time, long time,” spoke Steel Curtain, reaching to pull him in for an embrace. 

Gold Nose had to hold his drink out at arm’s length so as not to spill and gave Steel Curtain and awkward, one-armed hug in return. 

“And who is this?” asked Steel Curtain immediately turning his eyes on to Secret Agent as he released Gold Nose.

“This is Kyle... my, uh, boyfriend,” said Gold Nose.

“Net!” exclaimed Steel Curtain in exaggerated surprise. He took Secret Agent’s proffered hand, but turned wide eyes back onto Gold Nose. “What happened, were you not married to that woman… uh… Anna… Alina?”

“Yana,” supplied Gold Nose. “Things have been…” he trailed off and just made small flappy motion with his free hand. It felt very strange to be able to say anything so close to the truth out loud, especially to Steel Curtain. 

“Ah, da,” said Steel Curtain nodding. “Women, bah. This man, he looks smart. Not that your wife was stupid, but I can just tell this one will be a keeper.”

“I think so,” said Gold Nose forcing a smile through the embarrassment.

“And good luck this weekend,” said Steel Curtain. “You have my vote. This Cobra, he is young. And much too confident for his lack of experience. You are the correct choice for Head of FANTOM.”

“Thank you,” said Gold Nose with a small bow of his head. “I appreciate you saying so.”

“Yuh,” said Steel Curtain, shaking his head. “Now, I go to get stronger drink. England does not know how to serve alcohol.”

Only once Steel Curtain had shuffled off, did Gold Nose hazard a look over at Secret Agent who was still standing at his side. He wasn’t sure what he’d see on Secret Agent’s face after that interaction, wasn’t sure what he’d want to see. Secret Agent had a neutral expression, the hint of a benign smile at the corners of his mouth.

“Well, he’s an interesting character,” he said in a low voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of going up against him before.”

“Yeah, he does most of his work out East,” said Gold Nose feeling both relieved and sorry that Secret Agent was seemingly going to let the whole wife-thing go.

Secret Agent hummed in response before taking a drink of his dry martini. Gold Nose watched him for a beat. The man seemed carefree even though he was surrounded by his enemies with the only ally in the room being nemesis turned temporary partner. His body language was loose and he stood with his shoulders angled slightly toward Gold Nose, a subtle but clear indication that he was there as Gold Nose’s date. But though he appeared at ease, Gold Nose could tell the man was on alert. His eyes shrewdly scanned the room, mind probably turning as it catalogued _all_ the information available. Gold Nose couldn’t help but find it both and attractive. 

“Señor Nose,” spoke another familiar voice. “Good evening.”

Gold Nose turned and found himself only inches from a pair of rather off-putting large, dark eyes. He swallowed heavily in alarm and took a step back. He felt Secret Agent's hand wind through his arm as he stepped into his side. He would later wonder if it was the creepy presence of the villain or his own reaction to them that had put Secret Agent on alert.

“Chupacabra,” Gold Nose said still trying not to visibly wince. It was best not to show any sort of emotion in front of them. “Meet my boyfriend, Kyle.”

Chupacabra, large as they were, stood in a stooped-over stance and so had to crane their neck to squint up at Secret Agent. They studied him for a moment before turning back to Gold Nose.

“Weren’t you married?” they asked. 

“Yes, well…”

“You finally called it quits with that wife of yours?” asked a large woman, stepping in. “I knew things were rocky at home, but I hadn’t realized you had already moved on. Good for you. But did she take the kids?”

“We get them on the weekends,” offered Secret Agent while Gold Nose was busy trying to remember the woman’s name. 

Gold Nose was saved from speaking further on the topic by the squeak of a microphone being turned on at the front of the room. Everyone turned as one of the heads of FANTOM started speaking, welcoming everyone there that night.

“I didn’t know you had kids,” whispered Secret Agent leaning in close to Gold Nose. 

The hairs on the back of Gold Nose’s neck prickled and stood up at having Secret Agent so close. He cleared his throat as quietly as he could before turning his head.

“Yes, two,” he said, simply. 

He hadn’t thought so many other villains would have remembered his wife or his kids when they all only got together at these events every few years. Yes, there were a few he did business with and was in contact with on a regular basis, but it was rare for them to discuss anything beyond work. It may be awkward at the next event when he arrived with his wife and not Secret Agent… Kyle.

  
  


* * *

After a day of travel and the long evening of schmoozing with FANTOM’s other members, Gold Nose was feeling a bit tipsy and very tired. He was relieved to head back up in the elevator to his room when he was finally able to get away. He had meant to beg off much sooner, but it seemed word of his new ‘boyfriend’ had spread around the room like wildfire and everyone needed a chance to be introduced.

He was so busy thinking about falling face first onto the large mattress in his hotel room, that he hadn’t had time to get anxious over the fact he’d be sharing it with someone. That is, not until they were both standing in front of his hotel room and he was fumbling through his pockets for his room key. Perhaps he’d had a couple drinks too many because his hands were definitely not working as accurately as usual.

He looked up when Secret Agent produced his own room key and held it out to the door.

“Th-thanks,” said Gold Nose before opening the door.

A bolt of nerves hit him in the gut when he walked into the hotel room and his eyes fell on the bed sitting there with Secret Agent’s suitcase, now zipped back up, still sitting on top of the dark blue comforter. Gold Nose didn’t let his stride falter, though. He straightened his shoulders and walked across the room to get to his own suitcase.

“I am beat,” said Secret Agent with an exaggerated yawn for emphasis. “I’m going to take my bag and go get ready for bed.”

Gold Nose hummed in response as he unzipped his suitcase. When he heard the bathroom door click shut behind Secret Agent, he let out a sigh. His nerves hadn’t calmed since that initial kick to the gut. If anything, they’d only grown. He glared down with great offense at the blue and white pinstripe pajamas sitting just inside his suitcase. They were the pajamas of a frumpy, middle-aged man. 

He had not been expecting to be sharing a hotel room and bed with a sexy, suave CIA agent when he had packed them. He could not have anticipated such a thing. Then again, even if he had known, it wasn’t as though he owned anything better for sleepwear.

Perhaps if he just wore the bottoms it would seem a bit more youthful than the set. Shirtless would be much better than the button-up, collared, matching top. Mind made, he gathered up the pajama bottoms as well as his overnight kit and then took a few moments to check his messages on his phone while he waited for his turn in the bathroom. No messages from his wife. Two messages from Henchman. One was a bullet-point list of reminders and the other was a genial ‘good luck’ type of message.

The bathroom door opened and Gold Nose looked up to see Secret Agent step out in a pair of black silk satin pajama shorts, deliciously muscled chest on display. Gold Nose swallowed heavily and reached back into his bag for the pajama top. Sure, he was fit, but there was no way he was going to go shirtless next to that. He stepped past Secret Agent and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He leaned back on the door, letting his bald head thunk on the solid of the door. When he finally opened his eyes, he glared at himself in the mirror. He needed to get it together. He was a seasoned super villain. There was no room for insecurity.

Gold Nose stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later, face washed, teeth brushed, and wearing his terrible pajamas. Despite his miserable internal pep-talk in the bathroom, he felt exposed and insecure. Strangely, he felt on-display walking across the room wearing the pajamas, even though they covered just as much of him as his suit had. 

Secret Agent was already in bed and reading something on his phone. He looked up when Gold Nose stepped out of the bathroom. Gold Nose was quick to turn his back to him, feeling his face heat with embarrassment. He put his clothes away in his bag, keeping his back to the bed. If he had noticed Secret Agent’s appreciative double take, he would have been too busy being embarrassed to understand the expression. Neither was he in the right frame of mind to have accepted the fact that Secret Agent had been thinking of how domestic and dear he looked in the pajamas even if he had been able to read his mind.

Finally, Gold Nose turned and regarded the bed and its occupant. He saw Secret Agent glance up from his phone again at his turn. The man cleared his throat and licked his lips in a way that was much too alluring. Gold Nose quickly looked away.

“I’m sorry,” said Secret Agent, obviously having taken Gold Nose’s hesitance as irritation instead of nerves. “Did I take your side of the bed?”

“No, no,” said Gold Nose, shaking his head. “No, you’re... uh… you’re fine.”

He quickly moved to the other side of the bed and climbed into the bed next to Secret Agent. His heart was hammering in his throat. He mentally scolded himself for being nervously attracted to his enemy and rolled over so his back was to Secret Agent. He couldn’t have the spy thinking he made him nervous for any reason. They were arch enemies, there was no room for weakness --not even when wearing pinstripe pajamas. With that, he reached over and flicked off his bedside lamp.

“Good night,” whispered Secret Agent before flicking off his own lamp.

Gold Nose closed his eyes and willed himself to relax.

* * *

The next morning, Gold Nose woke slowly with his head pillowed on Secret Agent’s bare chest and Secret Agent’s arm wrapped around his back. It was nice -- or, it _would_ have been had it not been his enemy and had he not been, himself, married. Those were two very good reasons not to get too comfortable with Secret Agent’s presence. It was hard not to enjoy the simple intimacy of the position, though. Gold Nose stayed still for a few moments trying to determine whether Secret Agent was also awake and aware of their position. 

It was probably only a minute or two after Gold Nose had first woke that his phone’s alarm clock began to blare in the sleepy morning quiet. Whether or not Secret Agent had been awake before and just silently luxuriating in their closeness (NOT that that had been what _Gold Nose_ had been doing), he was definitely awake now.

Gold Nose slid out from Secret Agent’s arm and sat up to grab his phone. He turned off the alarm and, deciding it was best to just not to say anything about their positions, got out of bed and stalked over to the bathroom without looking at Secret Agent. 

He had a shower and took his time shaving before coming back out in the hotel provided bathrobe to get his outfit for the day. Secret Agent was still in bed, but got up when Gold Nose came out. He was probably imagining it being that he was warm and steamy in nothing but a terry bathrobe and Secret Agent was looking particularly attractive with mussed hair, sleepy eyes, and bare chested, but there was a strange tension in the air.

“Morning,” he mumbled.

Secret Agent let out a low grumble and walked past him to the bathroom. Gold Nose couldn’t help but smile to himself as he filed away the new information about Secret Agent - not a morning person.

* * *

After a light breakfast spent sitting across the table from Secret Agent (where he spent the majority of his energy trying to ignore his growing attraction to the man), Gold Nose found himself being ushered with the rest of the group into the large convention room for the first seminar of the weekend. He and Secret Agent took their seats together near the middle row.

They sat and watched as people filed into the room. Every so often Secret Agent would nudge him and ask the name of someone. Gold Nose was aware that Secret Agent was greedily gathering all sorts of intel, but he was enjoying his company too much not to answer his questions. He was careful not to give much additional information beyond the names, but he wasn’t fooling himself, he knew that even that much could be dangerous in Secret Agent’s hands.

The man giving the talk walked up to the front of the room while a screen began to slowly unroll down from the ceiling. Gold Nose groaned under his breath when the projector flicked on and the title of the morning’s seminar became visible on the screen. While dull, many of the talks often had useful information that he could put to use when he returned to work. This particular one, however, promised to be absolutely tedious based on its title alone.

“Uniting your Team,” murmured Gold Nose, reading the title aloud as a way to voice his disapproval.

“ _In my TED talk…_ ” whispered Secret Agent in a mocking tone. 

Gold Nose snorted. 

“I hope they aren’t planning to have us do _trust falls_ ,” said Gold Nose. He was rewarded with a soft chuckle from Secret Agent. He smiled to himself.

“Why’s it always gotta be a PowerPoint presentation?” groaned Secret Agent.

“You too?” asked Gold Nose.

Secret Agent nodded. He opened his mouth to say more, but they were interrupted.

“Isss thisss ssseat taken?” asked the hated familiar voice of Cobra. 

Gold Nose bit his lips together so as to not scowl or say something rude and looked up to see the awful slender man dressed in his usual all-black except for a bright red ascot at his throat. His suits always seemed to be specially tailored to be extra slim in the waist and ridiculously wide in the shoulders giving the man a rather inhuman profile. Gold Nose refrained from rolling his eyes.

“Not at all,” he said in monotone. “By all means, please sit with us.”

“Thank you, Gold Nossse,” said Cobra with a smarmy grin. “And who might this be?”

“Hello, I’m Kyle,” said Secret Agent, adopting his friendly-puppy persona and reaching across Gold Nose to offer his hand for a handshake. “I’m Gold Nose’ boyfriend, and you might be?”

“ _Charmed_. I’m Cobra, you mussst have heard of me,” said Cobra giving Secret Agent’s hand a squeeze instead of a shake. Gold Nose couldn’t help it, he rolled his eyes. The man took his villain theme much too seriously. “Boyfriend? I’m sssurprisssed,” continued Cobra, turning to Gold Nose. “I thought you were ssstraight.”

“Nope,” said Gold Nose, popping the ‘p’ in a way he hoped was at least half as annoying as Cobra’s stupid prolonged ‘s’ sounds. He reached over and took Secret Agent’s hand in his. “I’ve never been one to worry about gender.”

“How modern,” said Cobra in a weird patronizing way, but at least there was no ‘s’ in the statement. 

Gold Nose glanced sideways at Secret Agent, hoping to share a look of commiseration with him now that the spy had finally met the man Gold Nose most despised. But the sarcastic smile immediately fell from his face when he saw the thoughtful look Secret Agent was giving him. He thought back over what he had just said and an unexpected little blossom of hope bloomed in his chest when he realized Secret Agent’s intrigued look might very well have been in response to Gold Nose’s truthful and blunt admission about his sexuality. 

  
  
  


* * *

The first two seminars of the day had been tedious, but the afternoon’s talks had been better --especially the one about new tech given by Gold Nose’s old friend, Professor Blast. Gold Nose had taken some notes and had even texted Henchman in the middle of the talk telling him to contact Blast’s office to put in an order before the other villains did. Now the day was drawing to an end and supper was being served. After supper, the elder members of FANTOM would meet to vote on the new head while the rest would be left to visit or spend some time in their rooms.

Tables had been set up in the largest of the hotel’s convention rooms and the hired caterer had set up a buffet line. The aroma of dinner in the air had Gold Nose’s stomach rumbling hungrily. He and Secret Agent were standing in line with the other villains who had been seated at their table as they queued up for dinner. 

Gold Nose and Secret Agent had been discussing the ridiculousness of the latest Hollywood spy movie while they waited when Secret Agent’s eyes suddenly went distant for a moment. It had Gold Nose narrowing his.

“Something wrong?” he asked, leaning in close to murmur the question quietly.

Secret Agent smiled soppily at him, clearly performing, and bodily turned to him.

“Nothing to worry about, dear,” he whispered in Gold Nose’s ear.

It was their turn to take plates and begin filling them. Despite his answer, Secret Agent had _absolutely_ just heard something in his com, Gold Nose was sure of it. He glanced around the room, at the guests as a whole, at the security men on both exits, at the host at the front of the room with the microphone, and then turned back to Secret Agent.

“It’s happening soon, isn’t it,” he said lowly across the mashed potatoes.

Secret Agent smiled benignly and added a scoop to his plate.

Once they were back to their table, Secret Agent with a sizeable slice of roast beef sitting atop a mound of potatoes and a salad in a bowl in his other hand, Gold Nose with peas, carrots, and little else. Who puts meat in both salads at a large function? What’s a vegetarian to do?

“Not hungry?” asked Ripp-Off, the villain seated next to him.

“Vegetarian,” said Gold Nose, a little sharper than he had meant. 

“Ah, that sucks, mate,” he said shaking his head. “They should be required to offer more options to ya.”

“Yeah, thanks,” said Gold Nose, before turning back to Secret Agent.

The man seemed quite happy to simply eat his food in peace, but Gold Nose knew something was up. He eyed him suspiciously for a few beats and opened his mouth to speak, but Secret Agent put his hand on his knee under the table and gave it a tight squeeze in warning. Gold Nose stiffened and then turned to give him another suspicious glare.

“Kyle,” grit out Gold Nose in the nicest tone he could muster.

“Yes, dear,” asked Secret Agent, leaning into his side. 

“Do you--”

“Okay, everyone,” called out the host over the microphone, effectively cutting off Gold Nose. “Now that you’re all seated with your meals, I have a few announcements to make.”

Gold Nose let out an annoyed sigh at being interrupted. He ate a spoonful of peas while the room quieted to listen to whatever the hell announcements the host had to make. 

A couple minutes later, Secret Agent leaned into his space, his lips practically against Gold Nose’s ear, and said, “You should go use the bathroom, now.”

Goosebumps rose on Gold Nose’s skin at Secret Agent’s proximity and it took a moment for the words to sink in. For an insane second, he thought he was being propositioned to have bathroom sex, but then it dawned on him that his earlier suspicions were being confirmed. The CIA were about to party crash. 

Gold Nose had just enough time to grab for Secret Agent’s arm while hissing, “I was promised subtle,” and then to see Secret Agent’s face cloud with guilt, before the row of seven tall windows all immediately shattered as a tactical team, geared to the gills, swung in.

“Shit,” exclaimed Gold Nose before leaping to his feet and reaching into his suit jacket for his gun. 

Ripp-Off and his date were also on their feet and pulling out guns while Secret Agent ducked away into the chaos. Everyone was firing all at once, Gold Nose ducked down under the table so as to not be hit. Some sort of explosive went off at the other side of the large room. He had no idea if it belonged to the CIA or one of the villains. The blast had his ears ringing and the rest of the noise in the room fell to a quiet hum. 

Seconds later, sound came rushing back to him in a waterfall of cacophony. He crouch-ran out from under the table, gun raised, but hesitant to shoot considering the mess of movement in the room was both enemy and friendly (not the mention the mess in his mind from having bonded with Secret Agent over the past 24 hours and consequently not wanting to shoot him and his team). Gold Nose could simply make for the door and get out of the mess altogether, but he didn’t want to look like a coward. 

He shot one of the CIA dudes in the leg before they could shoot Steel Curtain when he saw them aiming for him. Then, he ducked behind another table, feeling like he’d contributed enough to the mess. More firing and shouting went on for a few minutes, but it was short-lived. Another small bomb went off, this time closer to him and the table he was hiding behind splinted and knocked him onto his back. He might have blacked out for a few moments, because when he opened his eyes, Secret Agent was kneeling over him. He almost smiled at him, dizzy as he was, before he remembered the man had made a fool of him. 

“We had an agreement,” he rasped.

“I’m a spy,” said Secret Agent with a wry smile and a shrug, reminding Gold Nose of when he’d excused his actions the evening before.

Gold Nose let out a short laugh which he quickly turned into an angry growl. He tried to sit up, but his head suddenly felt very heavy and very light at the same time. It was probably best that he stayed laying down for a few more moments.

“You’ll pay for this, Kyle,” he said in as menacing tone as he could muster. “If that’s even your real name.”

Secret Agent smiled down at him. It was such a pretty smile. 

“It’s not,” he said and then he leaned down and pressed his lips to Gold Nose’s.

Gold Nose stopped breathing altogether. It was a simple press of lips against his own, but it had his chest feeling it would cave in on itself. A moment later, Secret Agent leaned back and smiled down at him again. 

“Until we meet again,” he murmured smugly before making to stand.

Growling, Gold Nose reached up and grabbed Secret Agent by the tie to pull him back down. This kiss, he was ready for and could actually participate in. It had Secret Agent gasping when he finally released him. Good, at least he had that.

“Until we meet again,” Secret Agent repeated, this time much more gravelly.

“Indeed,” sneered Gold Nose.

And then Secret Agent was running off with the rest of his men. Gold Nose sat up on his elbows and licked his lips as he watched them go back out through the windows they’d busted in through. He spied Cobra in their custody. At least Secret Agent had held up _that_ end of the deal, even if he didn’t hold up the whole subtle bit. Probably, Cobra was his mark from the get go and Gold Nose had been played for a fool the entire time. He couldn’t regret it too much, though. Ramifications be damned, _Kyle_ had made a pretty good boyfriend, fake or otherwise. And now he had good reason to hunt Secret Agent down to make him pay. 

‘Until we meet again’, indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Sunsetmog,
> 
> I hope you enjoy this pre-canon fic. I fumbled for a bit trying to decide what to write for this pairing, but then I realized... who doesn't love a Fake Relationship fic!? I wanted it to still be canon compliant, so this fic takes place a bit before the music video takes place. So then, the UST gets laid out during this fic and then comes to a head during the music video. I really hope you like it and that you have a wonderful Yule/Holiday season. 
> 
> HAPPY YULETIDE!!


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